How Christmas Was Saved

Once upon a time, there lived a poor scholar and his hard-working, manure-forking wife. Through the whims of fate and some bad decisions about credit cards, they found themselves living in a cottage by the edge of the woods. They had lots of animals to feed and bills to pay, but their pockets contained little more than lint. They were a happy family nonetheless.

One day, the wife glanced at a calendar and realized that only a few days remained until Christmas Eve. That same day, the cruel mailman brought a sheaf of letters that might be described as "dunning." With a tear in her eye, the manure-forking wife opened the letters. "Oh dear," she thought as she read the various threats from each company. "Not only can we not pay our bills, but Christmas is coming. However will we celebrate Christmas with no money?"

"Silly wife," the scholar said lovingly as he looked up from his books. "Christmas is not about presents. It's about love and family, and we have those."

But the wife would not be comforted. Perhaps I can make Christmas presents, she thought. For days she searched through recipe books and decorating magazines, hoping to find some homemade gifts that were not beyond her meager creative skills. But everywhere she looked, she found complicated directions, exotic ingredients and time-consuming projects. "What is a water canner?" She asked herself. "And why is Saffron so damn expensive? Is it made from diamonds?"

Hope faded as Christmas drew closer. The phone calls from credit companies began. "Can I do an automatic payment over the phone for you, Manure-forking Wife?" "Will you have the money by December 20th?" "Do you realize that we could take your first-born child?"

The wife sighed as she talked to these people. In her heart, she knew that she should be scrambling to find money to pay them, but her priorities had always been a little skewed. One night, as she struggled to find sleep, she looked over on the endtable at a packet of unopened mail. "Bills, bills, bills," she thought, "and book club mailings..." Book club mailings. Book club mailings?

Her heart racing, she sat up in bed and fumbled for the envelopes. Slipping them open, she discovered that her memory was true -- one could buy now and pay later with these book clubs. And better yet, one could order on-line, before December 17th, with guaranteed Christmas delivery! And free shipping and handling! FREE SHIPPING AND HANDLING!

Clutching the envelopes against her ample bosom, the wife swiftly descended the stairs and snuck into the computer room. A few minutes later, she had negotiated the log-in screen and was happily ordering appropriate gifts for everyone on her list.

It was a Christmas miracle! No canning! No cookies! No hastily crocheted towels or pot holders! Christmas was saved!

Merry Christmas to all, and to Mastercard too
(although you must wait until I can pay you).
For Christmas is coming. It's practically here
and Discover and Visa can wait till next year.
To my friends and my family, the message is sweet:
You won't have to choke down a desperate treat.
Christmas is saved; there'll be presents a-plenty.
Mom will get ten; Dad might get twenty.
No rock-hard pan cookies, no chalk-like mint candy.
I paid off my clubs, and they came in quite handy.
So, smile and be merry. No dark, tragic looks.
You're safe from my cooking. You're all getting books.