A Tragic Day

Today was heartwrenching and painful. I hesitate to share, because the internet leaves one so vulnerable, and yet I feel compelled to write it all down. Maybe writing will prove cathartic. So here goes:

I woke up this morning. This proved to be my first and most critical error, because it was only 1:30 a.m. and I could have slept another...oh, I don't know... seven hours or so. But the alarm went off. Some people have a snooze alarm. I have a snore alarm. If you despise sleep and want to break free from its evil power, you might consider investing in a husband. I got mine cheap and he works great. This morning, the noise was a cross between a snowblower and a jackhammer. Sometimes rolling him over on his side helps, but there was only so much bed left for that sort of thing, and I didn't have the heart to roll him onto the floor. So I packed up my pillow and went to sleep in the guest room (Yes, there is a guest room, currently occupied by two cats and a very large spider).

When I woke up the second time, I found I had overslept and I had to literally haul my ass to the barn. It was dragging behind me, begging for another cup of coffee, but I told it to shut up and move. I should have listened. Because in the four hours it took me to do my barn chores, I got zapped in the thumb by the electric fence (no, Cindy, I did not grab on to the fence. I was holding onto the plastic handle, which by rights should have made me exempt from zapping. No deal), and stuck to my boot-top in mud. Of course, mud doesn't accurately describe the substance in which I was trapped. It looked like mud. It did not smell like mud. But I will continue to tell myself that it was mud, because the alternative is unthinkable.

But whatever it was, it held me securely and what with the horse barreling down on me, I decided it would be more prudent to save myself than to retrieve my boot. So you must imagine me, clinging for dear life to the green metal gate whilst Lucky the horse (yes, that's her name. Go ahead and laugh) circled around me shark-like, waiting for the other boot to drop. I channeled the spirit of McGyver as I rescued myself. I hauled myself free by grabbing Lucky's lead rope and letting her pull me out. If that hadn't worked, I would have made a crane from duct tape and feed buckets. Luckily, I can save that experiment for another day.

And speaking of experiments, let me digress for a moment and tell the world (or the two of you who might be reading this) that my mother is a genius. A mad genius. Today, when I shlopped myself back to the barn, whining and complaining bitterly, I discovered that she was building an oven out of an old trough and a discarded stove pipe. Talk about McGyver! But when Pops got home, he gently reminded her that perhaps fires should not be built next to hay barns. No, she really is a genius. Just one of those people who don't live in the real world with the rest of us.

Finally, to cap off this tragic day, the dog puked on the carpet and the toilet overflowed while I was on it. How, you ask? No clue. What I do know is that I am actually more limber than I thought, because I jumped over the gushing flood and landed neatly on the rim of the bathtub, where I perched precariously until Noah could bring the ark.

Yup. Today I dealt with electricity, poop, pee, vomit and fire. I'm ready for kids.